hihi im home =)
was i missed while i was away? hehe.

the cambodia trip was fantastic.
willing to share my experiences with interested parties.
not gonna blog everything here dum dee dum...

this trip has changed my perspective towards many things and gave me new insights.
i felt freedom for the first time in my life.
sudden revelation as i stood on the deck of the ship, sun in my face, wind in my hair.

and...

i am going backpacking to vietnam next dec.
its confirmed =)
im keeping my fingers crossed.
its a long long way till dec 04.
anything can happen in between.
be dropping by prey veng too and check out the orphanage; to see how the place have changed and visit the kiddos and ah kow too.

im bored bored bored.
bored bored bored.

so used to having many people around me.
so sian now.

and i tot id post my intinerary up here too =)

10/12: Depart SG for Phnom Penh [Silkair MI602 SG time 8:30am]
ETA in Phnom Penh 9:30am (PP time)
Visit S-21 Toul Sleng Musem
Depart Phnom Penh for Prey Veng by coach

11/12: Construction
- clearing fields of shrubs & undergrowth
EMS drill

12/12: Construction
- build formwork & construct slab

13/12: Construction
- build formwork & construct slab

14/12: Children's program I
- kite flying
- papier mache

15/12: Dig trenches for pipes

16/12: Position pipes & tanks

17/12: Tidy up

18/12: Children's program II
- paper making
- language exchange

19/12: Construction

20/12: Construction

21/12: Children's program III
- telematch
- pokercard game

22/12: Construction

23/12: Christmas Party
- 1100 to 1200 carnival booths
- 1200 to 1300 lunch
- 1300 to 1500 performances, games
- 1500 to 1700 free&easy, carnival booths

24/12: Depart Prey Veng for Phnom Penh by coach
ETA in Phnom Penh 1:00pm (PP time)
Visits around Phnom Penh

25/12: Depart Phnom Penh for Siem Reap by boat
ETA in Siem Reap 2:00pm (PP time)

26/12: Visits around Angkor Wat

27/12: Visits around Angkor Wat

28/12: Depart Siem Reap for Phnom Penh by air
ETA in Phom Penh 9:20pm (PP time)
Depart Phnom Penh for SG by air [Silkair MI622]
ETA in SG 3:25pm (SG time)
~Home Sweet Home~
_________________________________

Accomodation
10 dec-23 dec: Hope Village, Prey Veng (Orphanage dorm)
24 dec: Asia Hotel, Phnom Penh
25 dec-27 dec: Guest House, Siem Reap

so i guess its SEE YA in 3 weeks time!

i tot id change the layout b4 i fly off to cambodia =)

my room is so messy; i dun even feel lk sleeping in it.

my bed is crowded with clothes n toiletries
the floor is littered with logistics stuff i need to bring over

i shall sleep in the living room tonight =D

i shall blog today.

today: 4th dec 03
one more day till the release of all my grades.

my room is in a complete mess.
i cant really walk anymore.
every available surface is used to put stuff.
i need more storage space. MORE!
i need a bigger house :D
i need a nice big house with 3 storeys and a dark blue bmw parked in the porch.
the 3rd floor will either be my study cum tv room or it can be my bedroom.
my study will have french windows and a L-shaped study/computer table.
the table has to be positioned in such a way tt my back will be facing the french window while studying or playing on the comp.
no curtains, just those vertical blinds.
like the office :)
i wan a maroon office chair with arm rests.
better still if i can rock the chair.

buahahahaa
its nice to dream.

christmas wishlist:
1 and only 1 item on it
horoscope jigsaw puzzle with all 12 star signs on it, the glow in the dark one.

i nv knew they came in all 12.
ive only seen those individual ones.

exams are over at long last.

but i do not feel happy.

trust me when i say i totally screwed up my 1st 2 papers.



i totally screwed up my 1st 2 papers.

i have never, ever felt this way towards any other paper.


i suppose there is nothing i can do now except to pray hard.


pray very, very, hard.

this is so uncanny.
ok, maybe not quite so but.......

guess wad?
i nicknamed the object of my affection "fishy" and later i changed it into "yuyu".

just realised he is a pisces.

there are things u wished u hadnt said
and there are things u wished u had said.

i wished i had said wad i wanted to just now.

HELP!

i cant seem to concentrate in sch anymore.
i need a change of environment!

time is running so short.

everyone is studying.
maybe i shld too.

yuyu yuyu yuyu yuyu

i keep on searching but i can't find
the courage is to show
to letting you know

and once again i'm thinkin' about
takin' the easy way out

but if i let you go
i will never know
what my life would be
holding you close to me

how will i know
if i let you go

today is my dear fren's birthday :D
-clap clap-

i've know her for 3+ almost 4 yrs!
she was my first fren in C8 and most probably my first fren in sa too :>
-sings a happy frienship song-

so on this special day, i wan to wish her a very happy 21st hatchday.
may happiness and good health be with her always

thank you jel for being in my life

was sitting in the botanic gardens with a fren this evening
its botanical gardens
fine.

we sat on a bench, facing the pond; facing the pavillion, where creepers and their flowers twirled round its four pillars.
the ducks and swans were waddling on the grass, flapping their wings and kids were standing in the midst of them. lots of pigeons too.

the bench we were sitting on kinda reminded me of the one in the movie notting hill.
there was this bench on the show and it was engraved with words that goes something like this: to my wife who always sat by me

sweet.

me: this bench reminds me of the one in notting hill...did u watch notting hill?
fren: yup. but i dun rem wad bench. its by julia roberts and this...huge grant
me: its not huge grant, its hue grrrr-ant
fren: yah i know, i just want to pronounce it like this: HUGE GRANT. i got a huge grant from the bank today :D

...crazy....

its kinda fun sitting there though.
too bad we had to go soon.

IE classes are the most boring ever! (next to my MPW class tt is)
the prof is nice lah, i feel guilty for not paying attention but hey international economics is not exactly my forte...or interest for tt matter.

we are currently doing on BOP, fiscal policy, monetary policy lah blah blah...Zzzzzzz...

and i was a bad girl in class today.

i kept chatting (wif frens in the same class) online and laffing at their jokes.
one kept going on abt me and yuyu.

me: u so bored rite..so ask yuyu who he likes..den help bring them togetherrrrr
j: later he say i ki siao
me: ki siao? u are wad haha
j: fu chang fu sui. he say wad den u say wad...im hurt, no one agrees with me...
me: ... we are not marriedddd
j: hehe same lah
me: wad same?!
j: y grinning away there? happy rite?

i hate it when they can see me.

and the other keep typing lame OOOO jokes.

PWL: my friend lah...Charles HAM
me: didnt know tt his surname lah
PWL: and yes tts his surname heh
me: mr ham. -laffs loudly-
PWL: more people know him for his surname than his name.heh heh. i've been spreading the good word. you're NOT laughing loudly. you're not even smiling
me: smile finish liao lah
PWL: u wanna guess his father's name? serious. damn hellova funny. GUESS. ahh...ure smiling. good good.

i hate it when ppl can see me.
like PWL said :"i can see frm here. ive got an excellent vantage pt"

me: do u mind? let me guess later k. im going to burst out laffing..
PWL: and lemme tell u what his father's name is..
PWL: brace yourself.....
PWL: here it comes.....
PWL: his father's name is..H
PWL:A
PWL:R
PWL:R
PWL:Y
PWL:HARRY HAM. or if u will, hairy ham
PWL: the mother's alice which is normal,but she ought to be called rose.rose or something like that. say that 10 times fast and it will come out roast ham. heh.

save me.

i was laffing so violently in class; it was damn obvious i wasnt paying any attention.
sigh.
and i was sitting so near the prof.
he kept looking over cos my fren was very participative in class and my prof was like, toking to him all the time. (-_-")

LRY: remember i told u abt the person i like?
PWL: ... oh oh yea yea! still interested in him?!
LRY: hmm...well..
PWL: still interested in him ah?
LRY: i guess so...
PWL: yah lah :) still interested in him ah? :)
PWL: ohh someone's blushing
LRY: no i dun blush :)
PWL: ok i better stop b4 someone blushes :)
LRY: hey bad news leh, he is married to his books...u know i told my fren and she asked another fren 'how do u get a guy away from his books?' and she said 'offer him sex'
PWL: ... well, not really u know. Y? u wanna do it?
LRY: NO?!
PWL: den y are u saying it?!
LRY: im just telling u wad the fren said!!
PWL: y? u planning to try issit? i tell u lah, dun downgrade urself like tt..
LRY: pls lah! do u think i will do that?
PWL: no i dun think u will do tat
LRY: den?!
PWL: no lah, just telling u...aye who's is tt fren ah? intro leh, den i can pretend to read my txtbk...(pretends to flip a book) go away, dun disturb me! (pretends to flip again) go away!
LRY: ... sick
PWL: u go try it on him lah :D
LRY: no?! what will he think of me?
PWL: HIGhLY! :D

madness

i need to get a new wardrobe.
or i cld throw out some old clothes.

i need to throw out many, many things.

i woke up to the smell of ur colonge.
and i realised tt my tee has been lightly scented with it too.

guess where i am at now?

im in sch.

tt shldnt come as a surprise rite, since i always stay in sch till like 10pm.

but its 10:25pm now.

im staying over in sch 2nite and going for psy makeup class tmr morning at 8:30am.

gd nite.

shld i add a chatterbox here?
the blog seems kinda sad n quiet w/o crazy ppl who post and post crap.

heheheheheee.

hey! im referring to myself too u know! :D

lalalalaaa
-sings a happy song-

i learnt in psychology that:

1) "like" tends to like "like"- now i know, its not so much abt opposites attract but more of birds of feathers flock together.

2) proximity matters - chances that u will like someone close (literally) to u are much higher.

i duno much abt the being alike part, (though i do think we are alike in some minute aspects) so i shld work on the proximity factor.

tt wld be difficult. cos there are ppl more within his proximity than i am.
not to mention the fact tt he's married to his books.

hey i did say tt i will not waste anymore time on peeps who are married to books rite?!

i cant help it~ sigh.

im weak willed when it comes to him.

its already oct18.

cliche but time really flies doesnt it.

the threats of landmines, AIDS, gang riots are so real now.

while i was bz with sch, time has quietly caught up with me.
all the fund raising, health checkup, deposits, air tickets stuffs are going on simultaneously and boy, does time flies!

less than 2mths for me to prep for my cambodia trip.
most prob be extending my stay there; going angkor watt after the expedition.
i shld bring a camera along with me rite.
but i do not have one?

i cant believe it...
im going cambodia soon!
i am and am not mentally prepared.
im acting like its not going to happen till next year.

its like...im so caught up with sch stuff, i dont rem abt YEP stuff.
and when i do think of it, 1mth or so has gone by and the date seems so much nearer now.

who's going abroad at the end of the yr?

someone is going spain.
someone is going new york.
someone is going finland.
someone is going turkey.
someone is going genting.

i hope someone is not going trekking or anything like tt.
cos i plan to borrow his backpack.

i can easier teach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to follow mine own teaching

so true so true.

i must be mad.
i feel guilty when im not studying.
i cant stand not doing any work!
i guess staying back in sch and doing work have become a habit.
btw, in case u r wondering y i cant study at home, tts becos all my books are in the locker...and it was raining this morning and i didnt feel lk going back to sch...
so i have to spend sat AND sun not doing anything and its driving me abit nutty.

some issues:
1) i will not waste anymore time on ppl who are married to books
2) i shall be married to my books too, perhaps

just so i can stop having silly illusions abt finding my other half.
sure, it will be nice finding tt someone but i guess he's not going to appear in my life.


anyway.
im in the process of giving my blog yet another face lift =)
almost done~

i am in like with a guy who is married to his books.

how cool.

gimme chocolate gimme cake
gimme chocolate gimme cake
gimme chocolate gimme cake
gimme chocolate gimme cake
gimme chocolate gimme cake

a r e
y o u
h a p p y ?

y am i so irritable lately?
me blog is so full of complaints!

sigh..

ps: i think ive grew fond of the word "freakin"

i hate this freakin room.

cos its freakin huge and it wld be selfish of me if others were to ask if they cld share and i say no.

it sure is a freakin good idea to book a huge room for selfstudy when most of the time the only ppl using it is me, me and me.

cos there are so many of us using the room

rite but it is only when occasion calls whereby all 8 of us wld be in this room.

wads the use of booking the room if they cld be shared?

some freakin eediots took my freakin table.

do i sound piss?
do i sound pissed enuff?

SOME FREAKIN EEDIOTS TOOK MY FREAKIN TABLE!!!

im pissed.
and boy, am i pissed.

but does anyone care?
noooooooo.
cos its MY freakin table, not theirs.

taking a look at my schedule, i realised that all my weekends are taken up from now till nov 2nd.

what shld i do?

im falling behind my readings and i foresee more to come.

mpw- readings nv touch at all. 220 pages and counting.
IE- stuck 1/2way at chap2. teaching chap6 now.
psy- 70% of readings done but readings pile up at an alarming speed
nego class- yet to start but i heard plenty of readings too and journals to write
FT- yet to start but there are journals to be written too

so i shld just make sch my home for this whole term rite?
sigh..
if only i cld -grim-
hostle, where art thou?

i think i really have to stay back after sch every single day and read, read, read.
and do proj, do proj, do proj.

ive been neglecting myself recently.
everything i do revolves ard sch.

things i will be doing for this whole term:

1) catching up with readings
2) projects
3) comm svc
4) sas

the book of answers.

it was sitting on the shelves of this bookshop.

i cldnt help but try it out.

will things get better between me and him?
it will cost you.

is he interested in me?
no.

sigh.
i just had to flip to those pages.

i hate singapore but i like smu.

a foreign student said this in my mpw class today.

i wonder wad is so detestable abt sg.
well, most things sgreans dislike abt this country are not applicable to him.
eg, expensive cars, expensive housing.

unless he meant the strict laws u know.
he cant spit here, he cant eat in the mrt, he cant litter, he cant chew gum.
perhaps he hates the weather; although i tot most ppl frm european countries wld welcome the tropical sun.
or maybe he cant surf here; no crashing waves dude.

i dun have gd impression of them, sad to say.
some are nicer.
some are just unfriendly.
and i guess some still have this f**ked up idea tt they are still more superior than us asians.

and just the other day, this foreign student from an asian country wrote a sarcastic email to SAS, demanding to know y his startup club was only allocated peanuts this budgeting period.
errrrrm.
tts not the way to ask for more cash for ur club rite.
it will only get u into the bad books of the financial controller, eventho budget is given out by adhering to certain guidelines.
im pretty sure he can get this point across w/o using phrases like: "this budget is a joke" and "pls tell me y the club has such a generous amt of budget given"
well, we shld just take his words at face value and cut his budget i say.

wad crap ppl u get these days.

not in the mood to study.

220 pages of readings.
all of these to handle 10 mcq questions.

wad kind of quizz is this?
wad kind of CA is this?

-grumbles-

_________________

(im getting a new desk light!) x 2

(im gonna repaint my wardrobe!) x 2

(i wanna make a new jigsaw!) x 2

i need a break.
gimme a day of sand, sea and sun.

gimme a day anywhere.

im throwing my hp away.

am pissed again today.

the library is so crowded.

my usual spot is very much taken up.

i hate the cubicle.

there was an idiot sitting behind me who did not switch off his hp, did not turn down the volume of his laptop speakers.

i hate it when the sch is so crowded.

i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i shld just find an angry looking blogskin and change the title of my blog to "rants of angst girl"

im going to bite someone's head off.

anyone.

?

im angry at the feeder bus tt came late today.
im pissed at the 156 tt nv seem to come on time.
im pissed at the tv in the bus interchange; the one which displays the bus schedule, it seems to be permanantly broken.
im irritated at the fact tt im late due to no fault of mine and im irritated tt i have to waste time climbing up the slope on my way to sch.
i hate my tues class cos its a waste of time.
i can read off the txtbk, dun we all just hate this type of lessons?
the prof is borrring, the lesson is boring, its tooo early at 8.30am.
tell me, wad incentives are there to make me go class?
im pissed tt eventho the lib is supposed to be a quiet place, some foreign student just dont make an effort to lower his volume down while discussing proj.
so what if the lib is still pretty deserted now?
there are ppl who value peace n quiet u know.
and now tt ive moved, i can still hear his voice in this distant.

man am i full of angst this morning.

its cool to be in sports club.

cos u get lots of free tshirts during all the sports events.

2 free tshirts and counting.
oh, and i got a free face towel and post-it pad.

kuai le bu kuai le.
bei ni zuo you zhe.

simple words can have a thousand meaning.
and i think it best expresses how i am feeling now.
somehow, it doesnt seem so poetic when written in english.
or maybe its just me.
i just cant seem to find the right words.

______________________________
que sarah sarah, wadever will be, will be

sui ran he ni zai yi qi de shi guang hen duan zan, dan wo dou hen kuai le =)

in the mood for studying.

feel like getting a pleated denim skirt.
a short one pls.
a darker shade one pls.

where is delle when i need her now??
sigh!

pls come delle =(

im very lonely now!

at times like these, i wished i had lil jix or muffy with me...

do i still want a digicam?
pretty much i guess, after looking at the little photos others posted on their blogs.
i can take lots n lots of pictures whenever, wherever i wan.
den i can post em up =)

i wished i had a car.
i cld drive myself ard when im bored...
like...now...

i wld like a nice pair of sporty shades too.
to go with my car.
addidas or billabong.
or any nice ones.
a nice pair with really dark or reflective lens.
a nice pair with contured frame tt sits on my nose perfectly.

i wan to be...thin...

the rooftop was lovely.
the weather was lovely.
the night scenery was lovely.
the food not so lovely.

but the company was lovely.

suddenly felt a tinge of sadness when i saw u.
i wished things didnt have to turn out this way between u and me.

i got my locker today!
eventho its far from civilization, at least its at the highest level, quite a comfortable height for me.

i got my driving license today!
it took them 1 week to deliver it to my hse.
and my mom did not hear the postman when it came with my registered mail and i had to collect it today instead of yest.
but no matter :)
actually, it does.
im eager to see it. hee.

i got my last 1.5 modules today!
i shld, after looking at the amt i bidded on them...
Negoitation - min bid 11, bidded 20
and Psychology - min bid 11, bidded 18

i got 2 more facilitators pics today!
nice nice, the ones we took at the launch of the new student lounge
shall i post them up? =)
hehe its always so small and blur but it does add colour to my blog!

its (touch rugby) just like playing tag.

well, its for girls mah, guys play contact rugby.

i think its a dumb game.
(pauses)
well, not that contact makes it any less dumber.

are u trying to impose ur high and mighty standards on me or are u just trying to make me dislike you more?
btw, u dun really have to try, u get wad i mean.
i dun think anyone asked for your opinion in the 1st place.

i like playing dumb games, so wat?

i think u shld just keep quiet and trrrrry salvage ur image k.
personally i feel tt its beyond hope.
u succeeded in making every girl (i said girl cos i duno abt the guys) dislike u within the 1st few hrs of meeting.

wad can i say?

peace.
i shall hold my tongue for now.
u shld too but for a longer period of time.
i suggest an eternity.

no, make tt 2.
or 3.

i feel...
sleepy, but i cant seem to fall asleep

i feel...
happy, cos u spoke to me today

i feel...
stressed, over boss

i feel...
itchy. dry skin? sand flies?

i feel...
cold. i hope i am not about to fall sick

food cravings.
not in alpha order nor intensity of craving.

sushi - the buffet i mean
dim sum - there is a new dim sum stall opp my hse :: craving to be satisfied soon
mochi icecream - haven seen it in ages =(
pizza - chessy one or any
pasta - parmesan chicken spagetti from nydc :: craving to be satisfied soon
cake - a nice creamy one

food cravings-not.
chicken that has not been thoroughly cooked - i had enuff

alrite.

so its not true, its not real.
its not wad i think it is.
it is not happening.

i knew it.

can this be true?
can this be real?

is this wad i think it is?
is this really happening?

i darent think.

i feel empty.

school holidays are coming to an end and all my commitments drawing to a close too.

ndp was the first to go - 09/08
next followed by my driving lessons - 15/08
den there was obs - 11th to 13th and lastly, convocation, which was held today at suntec city convention hall.

i made new frens, met new ppl in the hols.
my ndp frens, my driving instructors, my fellow facilitators and my freshies.
i miss all of them very much.

all of a sudden, i feel an emptiness inside of me.
ndp training every sat, driving every week, obs meetings now and then.
no more of these will i be doing.

wad do i miss abt all these?
the fun? the feeling of being occupied?

such contradiction.
i am looking 4ward to sch yet hoping tat the hols will not end.

_________________________________________________________

its like graduation.
u leave ur frens behind and move on to a new life ahead of u.
no doubt u will be seeing each other in the future but things are just not the same anymore.

"getting together is only the beginning, staying together is the hard part"

IF?

IF so, so wad?
its not going to change things aint tt so.

i stood there and i waved gdbye to u, u and u.
i waved with all my might.

we parted for less than an hr and i already miss u guys.

i still duno if u dislike me or not.

but i do know tt i like u.

saw you today.
saw you last friday.

i realised i still like you.

yes.

you you you you you.

i had my pri 5,6 class gathering just now.
subway. suntec city.
we have not seen each other in 9yrs.

we shld do this more often...but not too often too :)
my pri sch days. the best schooling days in my life.

those who were present:

the guys - weixiang, hock seng, eugene, sara, heng rui
the gals - me, jiawan, lee en, shujun, yihui, cai qing

love ya all

he had not even been in the garden for a long time now. the empty grotto looked dilapitated; the cluster of stalactites in the corner had collapsed, the little wooden waterwheel lay warped and broken besides the conduit. he thought back to the time when he had sawn it all out and built it up and the fun he had derived from it. it was two years ago- an eternity. he picked up the wheel, bent it back, broke it in two and threw it over the fence. away with the toy, it was all finished with long ago. at that point he remembered his school friend august. it was he who has helped him build the waterwheel and patched up the rabbit hutch. whole afternoons they had played here; shot with catapult , ambushed cats (tsk tsk) erected tents and eaten raw carrots for supper. then the days of serious work had began and august had left school, a year ago now, and had become an apprentice mechanic. he had only shown up on two occasions. he too had no more time, now.

cloud shadows races over the valley; the sun was already sinking towards the mountain ridge. for a moment, hans felt he must throw himself down and weep aloud. but instead he fetched the axe from the shed and swung it through the air with his thin arms and smashed the rabbit hutch to pieces. the splinters flew, the nails bent with a squeak, a small quantity of rotted rabbit food, left over from previous summer came to light. he threw everything away as if by so doing he hoped to kill the longing he still felt for the rabbits and august and all the old childish games.

"now, now, what's going on there?" his father called out from the window. "what are you up to?"

"chopping firewood."

- the prodigy, h.hesse

i didnt call him in the end.
i had wanted to?

but things happen.

so i had to email him instead.

there is a paradise tat cld be found
a better life to bring us round
and all we really got to do
is see the world lk lovers do

a song.
which i feel lk singing all of a sudden.

there is a paradise that cld be found
a better life to bring us round...........

i am going to have breakfast at coffeebean tmr!

yay yay!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm~

okay

i found my medicine :)

i lost my medicine...

i lost my medicine!!

quack quack!

anybody wanna buy my duck race tickets? :D

good wad, den can become prettier :)

aiyah being pretty is not everything lah

tts a strange thing coming from someone who underwent double eyelid surgery and correction of her crooked teeth.

i hate ur stupid attitude.
i really do.

how do u know if mil is tired?

when she starts to slur in her speeches.
when she isnt coherent.
when she speaks in incomplete sentences.

she has been like this for the past few days.

she is tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired physically.

to call or not to call,
that is the question.

when I saw the break of day
i wished that I could fly away
instead of kneeling in the sand
catching teardrops in my hand

~ nora jones, don't know why

all of a sudden, the urge to call u up isnt tt great anymore.
the tot of calling u doesnt excite me anymore.
all of a sudden, i dont feel anything for u anymore.

dont know y?
-laffs-

this in-fa-tu-a-tionnnnnnnnnnnn~
-sings-

i woke up feeling a wee bit lousy.
tot of wad he said to me last nite (or the lack of it) and felt kinda shitty and hurt.
'twas a mix of emotions really.

are u feeling sorry for me?
i guess ppl like Z wld be.
or maybe she thinks im an idiot.
no matter. it doesnt matter.

maybe i shldnt have switched off my hp after msging W last nite...or this morning...at abt 3+am?
crap, he actually msged me back and asked me to call him.
a chat might have done me some good.
any distractions might have been good.
i sort of knew he wld reply but i didnt feel like waiting.

was thankful tt B was online at tt ungodly hr.
he managed to irritate me off to bed.
dont get me wrong.
cos all of a sudden, the whole affair was making me irksome.
i just didnt feel like staying another minute online; didnt feel like listening to him; didnt feel like typing.

its 12:45pm now.
how am i feeling?
quite alrite.
im alrite.
the feeling i woke up with was gone; gone with breakfast and cartoons.

1 more hr b4 i have to leave for driving lesson.
gotta call up my freshies.

this is the end pal.
this is really the end.
u have no idea how much uve hurt me.
yeah, u cant be bothered rite.
so its byebye to u
byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye

i wont be thinking of u anymore.

just spotted a cute guy coming out from the lift of my blk.

good.

ehehehehehheheheheheee.

how does it feel like to see u once again?

firstly, there was disbelief..

i wished u wld speak to me first but u did not.
perhaps u did u not see me?

so in the end, i had to approach u...again...like the many times b4.

i said hi and u smiled at me and so i smiled back at u and u began to laff.
"are we going to do this for the whole afternoon?" u said.

well, i dun mind.
i like smiling and moreover, i duno wad to say to u.
so im glad tt u actually started the conversation first.
i feel kinda awkward after all these times we were apart and i dun wan to pretend like we've nv drifted.

dun get me wrong, its not that im not glad to see you. i am. very much.
i had wanted to see u again for a long long time.
but my happiness upon seeing u fell short of my expectation.

i had wanted to speak to u very much, to catch up and hopefully, go back to how we once were but i couldnt stand it if u were to walk away too soon.
so i have decided to say gd bye first.

a nice song by dreamz fm, the theme song for chemistry on ch5.
nice chorus =)

Dreamz FM - Should I Stay

Had a drive driven by your love
But when you messed around I lost the drive I found

Thought you needed needed someone true
But you changed your mind or had I failed you?

Wished you've been careful with my heart
But you tore it apart and broke an angel's heart

I guess what's true has an end somewhow
But I am living proof of what love is about


It's hard holding you loving you losing you
It's sad to be true and be fooled by you
I don't know I wanna know Should I stay or should I go


You played me on, played me like a clown
But I feel for you, even though I'm down

My heart is heavy, heavy like a rock
But I am so amused you're still in my thoughts

What's done and I'll never feel the same
But we had some good times, guess it's sad just the same

I guess the truth doesn't matter somehow
But you were living proof, of what love is about

this song nv fails to stir my emotions.
in some strange way it has always been close to my heart.
i guess deep down inside, ive always felt this way...

hold me now
i’m six feet from the edge and i’m thinking
that maybe six feet
ain’t so far down

~ creed, one last breath

new look to old blog.
i have no idea why some items are being underlined.
they r not supposed to be.

oh well.

yes.
am alive and kicking at this hour of the day/ night.

i never knew
i had a dream
until that dream was you

and when i look
into your eyes
the sky's a different blue

~ thank you for loving me, bon jovi

went to woodlands lib today and the lib is huge!
a very good lib too, i found almost all the books i want~
almost, cos i wanted to borrow A Long Walk to Freedom but i cldnt find it =(
i will be going there from now on...

again, in alpha order:

1) A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man - James Joyce
2) Brighton Rock - Graham Greene
3) The Counterfeiters - Andre Gide
4) The Prodigy - Hermann Hesse

came across this article and found it quite funny :)
its abt how the author was not allowed to bring a flower into the concert hall...duh...
written by FireFlower frm here.
enjoy!

16th June 2003 No Lilies Please
Despite sharing the name of a MP, my dear Lily here did not make it past the velvet rope for the Arts Fest event I attended (Little Toys: Chinese Silent Film Classic with Live Music). I read the back of my SISTIC ticket and it made no mention of lilies. So was I surprised when the security guard widened his eyes and said "The FLOWER..." and the Esplanade staff immediately requested that my Lily be left with the cloak room as "it might MAKE NOISE!" Ooh, a talking/singing Lily. My, my, what a talented and artsy Lily I have.

Maybe it was the plastic wrap. But it was the smooth kind (unlike cellophane) that doesn't create sounds.

Nonetheless, I obliged and walked in to enjoy watching the performance.

Only to be handed an almost A3 sized Arts Fest Feature Magazine that makes more noise than my flower. Yes, and beepers went off during the show. Someone coughed too.

Alas, my Lily can only make a silent protest.

things i can do w/o: some sun
at least for now.
been swimming and got sunburnt for the 2nd time today- even b4 i fully recover frm the first one.
nice tan (nvm the bad tan lines) but cant show off due to excess flab on arms :|

things i cant do w/o: repair shampoo & moisturising milk
hair damaged by the chlorine.
wad good is a swimming cap if it cant keep my hair dry?
i wonder how the water seeped in...
gimme my nivea!
my poor skin needs all the moisture it can get.
the sun is making it sooo dry.

ok i promise to slather sunblock all over the next time round.
(currently only applying it to face)
actually lip protection is oso impt, to prevent them frm decolourising.
which has already happened to me ages ago.
but im wearing lipbalm now, with spf 30 :)

something interesting i learnt today:
the name Persephone is actually pronounced as...Per-sef-fer-ni
wife of Hades
ooooooo...

bits n pieces

discovered a quite gd looking tempanyaki chef working at turf city.
got looks, height and built.
its too gd to be true.
i din really look at him tho- i dare not look at gd looking guys in such close proximity
it wld be obvious wldnt it?
but my fren thinks he's gay.
and i saw a wedding band on his left hand.
he's kinda young actually.
who's the lucky girrrrrrl??
or guy...

eh the new singer, lin junjie...is he wayne????
he looks like wayneeee...and i think tts wayne's chinese name too...
jel jel u were telling me abt him rite?

i quit my surveyor job on the first day. bleah.
its really not worth the effort.
walked the whole of toh tuck walk and toh tuck crescent but did not manage to get even 1 survey done.

my complexion is improving. yay yay =)
am going back to see the doc for a follow up in july.
i think my acne scars are fading and i do hope they disappear...for good.
out out damned scars!
but a pity i am allergic to one of the pdts prescribed by the doc.
so the overall effect might not be tt great.
sighh.

counting down till school reopens and i do not have much time to slim down now.
i havent even lost an ounce :(
but i got a tan.
a bad tan. many different shades.
id better tone my arms soon so tt i can wear spagg to get a more even tan.

ok the end i guess.

the alien sat quietly at the benches, its tentacles spread out neatly around it.

it was completely oblivious to its surroundings- the blare of music, the heat frm the sun, the on going traffic, the silent wind.
without moving a muscle, it managed to stay unnoticed amongst the passer bys.

i looked at it frm a distance, amazed at how still it cld remain; how no sound ever escaped frm its mouth.
where did it come frm?
how did it find its way here?

but the alien nv came close enuff to me.
i doubt it knew my existance, eventhough i spotted its landing and had been keeping tabs on it ever since.
in fact, the alien nv left the proximity of its ship.

a lonely alien and its ship, probably on expedition to earth.

perhaps one day, i migh find myself next to it.
but meanwhile, i am happy observing it frm here.

im looking forward to ur return.

or maybe...just maybe...u have returned...
quietly, without a sound...
without my knowledge too.

y didnt u show urself den.

becos i was nv there?
becos u have nothing to say to me anymore?
becos u cant be bothered anymore?

i shudder to think, my dear.

very disappointed.

cos milmil can no longer swim as well as b4.

:)
:(
:>
:<
:p
:D
:B
:O
:}
:{
:]
:[
:|
:\

training was fun today! we practised with water in the barrel and droplets of water was flying everywhere!
very nice. silver beads tt glistens in the warm sun; its just like someone throwing handfuls of crystals all over =)
and we were all soakedddddddddd. got wetter than expected but really welcomed the water on us as the day was quite hot.
the puddles of water on the ground (thanks to our splashing) got heated up quite quickly. i know cos sophie was kicking the water on my feet :|

and to miss prima donna- nobody gives a damn as to where u live so shut up u utterly spoilt, self centered brat.

today was a fantastic driving day!
initially i was quite worried cos driving on the road at peak hr...
but...

i drove really well today and my instructor was very happy =D
he told me i drove better than he ever expected.......
-pengz-
a compliment?
yea but i admit i am (or was?) terrible.

i tot i wld drive badly today, cos i woke up suay** this morning.
first i discovered a virus in my laptop, den there was thing ice-cream incident which i will not elaborate n b4 i went out for driving, i argued with my mom over some money matters :|

anyway i hope i drive this well everytime :>
esp tmr cos i will be using a different car..
if i can drive well in a different car, it means i can drive well~
hehehee
_______________________________________

**woke up suay: this phrase reminds me of a lame joke my fren told me.
s: maybe i got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning...but then...the other side's the wall....

urrrghhhhh so pek chek!!
my laptop got a virusssssss and i did not even do anything to itttttttttttttt!

>_<

i din even know where it came from!!
the virus was found this morning and i din even do anything much on my laptop yest; i was using my home PC..
URRGHHHH

for ur info, my laptop is safe cos the virus was detected and quarantined.

and recently there are virus circulating emails again..
all the email titled RE: are virusesssssssssssss

my pac net and sch acc have gotten such mailssssssss
i din even open those emails and the strangest thing was, system admin sent me an email telling me that my RE: mail was undeliverable..
WTF??!
i din even open those filesssssssss so how issit possible??

btw in case u r lost, the RE: files are carrying this certain virus tt will autosend the email to everyone once u open it.

I DIN EVEN OPEN THEM SO HOW ISSIT POSSIBLE THAT MY RE: MAIL WAS UNDELIVERABLE??!!

SO FUCKED UP!

was nuaing at my neighbour's hse just now and we watched "volcano high" on vcd.
a boliao show, a tad boring too but the blondie male lead is quite cute...

oh yeah :)
my type my type.
oh i duno really but i kinda like him...eventho he looked quite bleah in some scenes.

if not for him, i wld have walked away frm the tv set.

and i realised something abt watching movies in foreign languanges.
(volcano high is a korean movie btw)
one canot be sure how accurate the eng/chinese subtitles are translated and the same goes for it if the movie was dubbed.
the volcano high we watched was dubbed in chinese and many a time, wad u hear is different frm wad u read aka the eng subtitles.
so........
oh well.

and while im toking abt cute guys hehehe...
i feel like watching sleepy hollow.

was watching edward scissorshand on ch5 (again) and johnny depp was really quite quite YD in his younger days!
nvm he was under all that makeup (ghastly pale face, dark rings, scars and messy hair).
and i caught one of his shows on ch5 a really long time ago called crybaby.
trust me, he was really gd looking!

sleepy hollow~
hmmm he's looking quite haggard now aint it so.
very sunken at the cheeks.
and i hope he lost his high pitch voice.

i shall hereby rank edward scissorshands num 2 on my list of favourite movies.

im gonna watch finding nemo and how to loose a guy in ten days~
and i wanna dl sleepy hollow, edward s and bedazzled

today was a bad driving day.

and i realised my obs ppl 4got to CC me a copy of the proposal they sent to the in-charge.
so i was right.
its not a matter of them exceeding the deadline for handing up the proposal.

i wonder if they CCed a copy to the other logistics in-charge....
well...i duno but im the main in-charge for logistics here u see.

i can imagine my reaction if i found out those ppl sent her a copy and left me out.

i dun wan to appear petty here but yes it does matter to me.

blogger is really screwing up.

1st, all the html of my layout template was gone for the whole of yesterday and now although they are back, it was the html of my old layout in feb!!
how can that be?!

arghh!!!!

taking stock the number of sleeveless/ spagetti tops i have in my wardrode:

1) grey scoop neck sleeveless by the clothes publisher
2) white U2 sleeveless with bronze design
3) new blance running top, sleeveless
4) sportsgals blue spag with square neckline
5) bodynits black spag top with crossback
6) purple cheap spag top with ribbons
7) 2 selfridge v neck spag top, in dark green and dark purple
8) 4 giordano u neck spag top, in grey, black, yellow and orange
9) iora black sleeveless with lace trimmings at neckline and sleeves

:D

finding nemo seems like a cute little cartoon:

two fish- marlin and son nemo- are separated when nemo is unexpectedly taken frm his great barrier reef home and ends up in a dentist's office in sydney. daddy goes after his son while sonny plots his swim back.

yay im gonna watch it.

i have decided tt:

i do not like guys who smoke.
i do not like guys who are depressed.
i do not like guys who swear...infinitely...actually it wld be good if he doesnt at all...

ok

i do not like guys who swear.

i feel trapped.

i feel like a ribbit at the bottom of a well.
along with many other ribbits.

i cant tell u how disgusted and sick i am of my shallow self.

i have quite, quite enough of mindless chats and crappy jokes.

i am trying to improve myself, really :(
but the progress is painfully slow.

and it doesnt help to have no like minded friends.

im alone in my constant struggle for a better self.

im worried abt my obs.
the ppl seemed quite bochup; not attending meetings, not replying emails.
14 out of 22 appeared at the 1st meeting and only 6 replied to an email...

why ah?

and we have such a responsible in-charge.

wad a waste.

________________________________

Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that i do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

i must be damn bored to develope a crush just like this...
no matter.
i will be better tmr...i hope

bumped into xiongbao this afternoon.
he's doing his attachment at raffles city.

hoho ive nv seen him in long sleeves shirt and pants.

den was chatting with yp online and i realised tt she has been keeping in touch with ah bao all these times...and some other ppl frm C8 i guess...her clique, BQ...and duno who else.

which made me feel guilty abt not keeping in touch often enuff with them.
xiongbao, jiahui and TL.
they were my closer C8 frens.
ahh as for BB...well...he is a fren indeed but not a fren in need.
i can make do w/o him :)

i went to the lib today and borrowed 4 books!
haha must fully utilized the lib card by borrowing the max num of bks =)

in alpha order:
1) Albert Camus: The Plague
2) Dai Sijie: Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress
3) Andre Gide: Strait is the Gate
4) George Orwell: 1984

a strange thing ive noticed.
most good books are translated novels.
a fallacy? i duno.

i bought a new hp pouch today, a purple sheepy one.
baaaaaaaa.

things to do tmr

1. go for a stroll in the morning
2. kill the plant
3. get new plant frm neighbour
4. pack my room
5. finish cutting up my story book
6. continues plotting for a pet

life has been boring recently; i have to plan my day.

i had dinner at my grandma's hse just now and it was fun!
we crowded round the erm round table and had our dinner.
it has been ages since i had a dinner like this.
wedding dinners do not count.

and speaking of wedding, they were coming up with the guest list just now.
they= my papa (in charge of writing the list), my 2nd uncle and auntie and my grandma.
erm the groom was distracted by the tv and the bride was quite pek chek.

such a hassel getting hitched.
very exciting tho, for it has been a long time since we had a wedding over at my father's immediate side.
in fact, there was no formal wedding ever since i was born.
the last one to get married was my forth uncle but there was no banquet and such.

31st agust 2003.

soon soon.

and my dad just told me tt we cld get a car once i passed my driving~
wooohooo!
i certainly hope so! :D

finally finished reading A Clockwork Orange last night.

not too bad, eventhough the book was flooded with invented slang.
it gets abit confusing at first when one tries to figure out the meaning of the words.

its like doing the vocab section of the gp paper.
1st we have to find/guess the meanings of the given words and construct sentences out of them.
ho hum.
but no making of sentences this time, of cos.
no given marks, no time limit and above all, no stress to perform.

it has been quite an interesting read, trying to figure out the slang.
well, there are some words which i am unable to figure out.
words like these are usually adjectives.

one down and so many more to go, which book shall i read next?
-looks thru the booklist-

and since i mentioned gp classes, i must say, i miss attending classes in jc.
where teachers know all their students.
the r/s is just not the same in uni.

blogger was down this afternoon and im glad its a-ok now :)

i wonder y ppl use the word a-ok
its not even a word in the first place.

chocolate and strawberry

teeheehee.

sorry.
inside joke :D

inside turn into outside...
-sings the techno song-

i went bbdc this morning with my cousin and changed to fixed instructor.
i feel better now to know tt i will be (it better!!) in the gd hands of responsible teachers.
no more being short changed. no no.


everybody, do take the fixed instructor scheme at driving centers or go private.
unless u have this...talent for driving.
like my cousin.
-grumbles-

ok so this is one load off my mind!
driving schedule- checked
ndp schedule- more or less checked

now, alll i need is a job.
sighhhh.

oh and now tt i am 21 (almost there!), i can volunteer my services at the mandai zoo.
NOT as the monkey or sealion act but as a docent.

my grades are out my grades are out!

OASIS --> MY ACAD RECORDS --> MY GRADES --> TERM 2
man, can they cut down on all the links??
nearly died while waiting for the various pages to load.

i got the same old grades as last term.
i tot i was looking at term 1's results slip.

i passed my financial acc!
yesssssss!
no more accounting modules for the rest of the remaining 3yrs!

*throws confetti all ard*

oh yay~

finally gotten my hands on the ever after cddddddddddddd =)
selling at $9.95 and its the original version wor!

only one complaint- in my opinion, disc 1 got cut off at a really bad part :<

madness.

i am actually feeling more stressed in the hols than during the sch term...

wad is the world coming to?

(topsy turvy)

a foolproof (hopefully) strategy to adopt upon seeing him online- leave the computer.

random thoughts:

i miss the furry little fat dog in his car.
and his yellow teddy bear has no nose =(

1st time outing and it was quite alrite.
wad a surprise.

i wonder how he felt when he saw me at the meeting todae.
did not get to speak to him cos both of us seated too far apart.
and i am tired of all these pretendence.
cant be bothered anymore.

balloon twisting, juggling and drumming?
i like balloon twisting :)

shld i or shld i not?
tt is the question.

"do not be reckless with other ppl's heart
and do not put up with ppl who are reckless with yours"
ok, i'll try

i hate myself for being weak.
im not supposed to speak to u, u know.
urrghhhhh.

pls.
stop. look. and no, dun walk.
stay here with me..

_____________________________

treat me nice, treat me good
treat me like u really shld
cos im not made of wood
and i dont have a wooden heart

wld it be better if i dont speak to u?

not look at u?
stop going out with u?
not mention u?
stop caring for u?

yes, time will wash away all traces of emotion.

i needed more time than i tot.
______________________________

i dun wanna run away but i cant take it, i dun understand...

ive been having strange dreams lately.
or i shld say, i keep remembering them lately.

AM STRESSED

cant blame me for my lousy driving skills
attended 9 lessons and ive only been taught stuffs twice.

TWICE.

so how now? almost 1/2 of all the lessons gone?
change to fixed instructor lah.

wad if i decide to hide myself frm the world?

- switch off my hp
- not come online
- disconnect my phone line
- stop going out with frens

wads going to happen?
will anyone find anything amiss?
will anyone wonder abt my existence?
will anyone come looking for me?
will anyone miss me?

__________________________

close the doors, shut the world away...
across the floor, dreams and shadows play,
like wind blown refugees.

i laugh, at this thing called love
i cry, for being a weakling inside
i smile, at the blessings ard me
i whine, for things not meant to be
i sulk, when things dun go my way
i hide, when i feel sad

i hide alot.
and i love to hide.

i am in an insanely jealous mood now.

i wish i cld take my heart out and leave it somewhere, so tt i will not feel for anything or anyone.
yes.
i think id like tt alot.

put it in the fridge.
so that if i ever have to wear my heart, it wld be cold...and possibly hard.
yes.
i think id like tt alot.

to you:

dear you,
i had wanted to start by writing this: "dear you, i cant believe how alike we are!......"
and marvel at how alike 2 persons of the different genders can be.
but i was stuck at the very next line when i tried to list out our similarities.
i cant pin point the exact characteristics.
maybe we are not tt alike afterall...
or maybe our differences have totally outweighed our similarities.

dear you,
the more i get to know u, the more i shudder at this realisation:
you are the male version of me.
i have nv come across anyone who behaves just like, well, me.
esp the way we approach stuff.

but its not like we have no differences, as men and women go.
u r terribly insensitive and i am over sensitive.
u mix well in grps while i clam up in crowds.
i yabber non stop one-to-one while u tend to keep quiet in pairs.
u are utterly tactless and tend to piss ppl off while i think too much abt other ppl's feelings.
how typical.
and how extreme.

so dear you,
the important question is:
have u ever felt the same way as i do?
ever notice how alike we are?

dear you,
i nv dared to ask u this for fear of complications. misunderstanding.
anyway, i duno wad i wan to prove by asking u this.

wad ans do i expect in reply?

how many ans can there be?
"yes, no, duno, maybe"

knowing u as i do, the ans wld be a "no".
(becos u r so insensitive remember? how on earth wld u notice such itty bitty things? but den i have to say, sometimes i am truely amazed at the things u remember...and yes, now for the other side of the coin, how appalled i am at the things u do not remember.)

*^*^*^*^*

birds of a feather flock together?
however, for a thousand and one reasons, we dont.
this is where our differing views in f/ship comes in...
which i shall not elaborate...like anyone cares.
opposites attract?
might as well kill me here and now yah.

wad to do on a lazy sunday?

paint my nails
pack my room
eat chocolate cake
eat fried chicken wing
go neighbour's hse
cousin-to-cousin talk at void deck

hey this new scroll mouse sucks.

i cut some fringe.

i cant say ive regretted doing so since there is so little fringe; i can always revert back to my original hairstyle.

am supposed to part my fringe on one side, but the fringe wont stay and i look silly.
was wondering how i wld look with more fringe...hmm...den i'll comb them straight down.

nvm.
shall worry abt my fringe when i go out =)

the older i get, the shallower i feel ive become.

i really envy those ppl who write well and i wish i cld write like them..
u know..incorporate some cheem words here and there...
i need to expand my vocabulary- terribly.

and i realised i have no opinion.
my opinions are general, simplistic and shallow.
i wish i cld say something more thought provoking.

as freaklite wld say: disgusting
and tts exactly how i feel abt myself at this very moment of my life.

i need to read more.

and i shall aspire to read all books frm the reading list given by my AS prof.
wish me luck.

today's driving lesson was demoralising but lets not tok abt it :x

anyway i went to library@orchard and borrowed some books.
borrowed only 3 books cos i cld not find the 4th book(s) i was looking for..

arghhh i cant believe it!
first i tried looking for les miserables...only found the screenplay version..nono am not gonna read tt.
so next i tried balzac and the lil chinese seamstress...on transit wadever tt means
den sophie's world...den anna karanin...den through the looking glass...den the pianist...den secret garden...den crime and punishment...den paradise lost...

#@$%*@$

ALL NOT AVAILABLE FOR WADSOEVER REASONS!!

oh well.
in the end i just gave up and borrowed 3 books..
nothing wrong with 3 books but just wanna exercise my right of borrowing 4 books hehehe =p

ok so these are the books i borrowed:
1) Notes from An Even Smaller Island- hilarious, was reading on the bus and laffed out loud
2) Watership Down- finally got my hands on this book, recommanded by a sec sch teacher...been wanting to read it since err sec sch =)
3) A Clockwork Orange- 1st attempt to read such books...i hope i can survive

anyway i bot a really really nice pair of sneakers today!
been beo-ing it since god knows when but nv really got down to buying it cos i dun really wear sneakers...am a slipper/ sandals girl...
jeljel, the bronze sneakers at Ba Pin, level one far east plaza...
hoho
they have it in my size!!
and horray! on sale!!

wahahahaaa~
its fate i tell u all..
i bot it cos i needed shoes for my driving..finally a reason for possessing them...
but i have to collect it 2 days later cos they dun have it in the shop...have to wait for the shoes to be delivered frm their warehouse.

tra laa laa
tra laa laa

i cant wait! =D

to sum it all up, all i need is a new sling bag...
jeljel, the one we saw at army mkt a long time ago..
the denim one with a pic of a funky girl
regretted not buying back den...

btw i saw donita ross and utt outside wisma shooting for some prog. =)

just came back frm my 1st driving lesson after stopping for abt 1/2 year.

this instructor is good, this erm mr. johnny...
he told me alot of stuff which my previous instructors did not.
like y i have a tendency to deviate towards my right.
he oso pointed out that i have a bad habit of turning my steering wheel slightly to my right b4 making a left turn.
err dun ask me y i did tt, its a subconscious thing =p

i think i drove better today =D
initially i wasnt sure if i was cut out for driving at all.
but after today, i definitely have more control over the car.
and it feels great to be in control haha.

tra laa laa

so it was just a dream.

a bloody waste of dae.

was down with a slight fever 37.2 deg c

i cldnt go ktv with my class after my last paper 2day.
cldnt go wine bar with them either.

bloody waste of daeeeeeeeeeeeee!
urrrghhhhhhhhhh!

current temp: 36.6 deg c
which makes me feel lk joining them now.

but i cantttttt cos my mommieeeeee doesnt allow
she says i have yet to fully recover, i have to rest.

-whines, kicks and shouts-

bloody waste of dae.

hi red tide, care for a short intro?

anyway red tide, grades are impt to me as long as i am still schooling.
i dun wan to fail u see and repeat the module.
waste of time and can be demoralising.

doing well for me doesnt mean getting an A or not.
its abt passing and failing.
its abt not getting an F.

ho hum =)

i felt moody all of a sudden.
maybe cos my fren was toking abt the exams.

how's ur weekend?

i had exams the whole week and last paper is on mon.

oh no wonder.
how the papers so far?

not good.

did ur other frens feel the same way too?

duno?
maybe?

well good luck for your remaining papers anyway.
if i cld help i wld!

no its ok.
thanks for ur luck.

goodnite frens.

i think there is something wrong with my browser.
cos all of a sudden, which ever website i go, as long as the font ariel is used, the words are damn big.

huff puff

i went jogging today. finally.

maybe i shld keep track of my jian fei plan and driving progress online...
ho hum..

and rename the blog The Weight Loss and Driving Diaries.
cool~

kekeke.

i have jogged for: 1 day
and attended driving lesson num: 3

okay maybe i shld put it at the top of the entry.
oh and i did a "wad drink are u quiz" and im bubble tea!
heh heh heh

dear me im such a quiz junkie.

question:

ever realised i nv/ seldom tok abt details in my blog?

most of the time, ppl nv know wad the hell im writing abt (with exceptions of cos).
u can read thru the entries knowing tt i am troubled, happy or pissed off etc and yet nv knowing wad exactly had happened.

is tt irritating or wad.
nono its not a rhetorical qn.
i really wanna know.
i can rattle on abt mudane stuff and tok abt all the nitty gritty details but when it comes to really writing down my feelings, i do have some reservations abt tt.

issit pointless reading my blog?
i write with neither flare nor err wadever (see wad i mean)
i dun tok abt politics or issues ard us; nothing tot provoking.

i guess its just me.
tts my style of blogging.

i think i may have sars?

im eating chocolates now but how come i dun feel happy at all?

nono not at all.

-stuffs more chocs into mouth-

yuks

it has a bad after taste.

oh whoa 3rd entry for tonite and tis the 2nd entry within the last 30min..

cos i have difficulty in falling asleep.

always.

i tend to think alot when i hit the sheets.

i cant help it.

i wish i cld take my brain out and leave it in a jar of solution every night.

i wish i ...

- cld eat as much as i like and not grow fat
- cld do better in sports and studies
- cld live a more fulfilling life
- cld find the courage to fall in like again
- cld be less protective of myself
- cld love others more than i love myself
- cld believe in finding true love once again

sometimes i feel tt u r still not ok.
maybe we shld avoid going taka until..until..i duno.
i hope im not..i duno..maybe i think too much..

im going thru some form of identity crisis nowadays.

every new day brings forth a new discovery abt myself.
is there no end to this?
this horrifying revelation?

i feel my self fading away and its being replaced with someone i dun even know.
where is me?
the me ive know all my 20, 21 yrs of existance?

have i been living in delusion all my life?

i am forever imposing my own expectations onto others.

bad mil.

when will u ever learn?

hmm i just got an email from my obs ic.
tts "in-charge" btw...

i saw his name on the mailing list.
so its official.
the guy i fancy (or used to) is joining my run.

how do i feel?
well, it didnt come much as a surprise; his frens are inside this run too.

im not excited.
not elated.
i dun feel faint.
nor is my heart beating wildly.
neither did it skip a beat.

like i told a fren last nite, i guess im incapable of liking anyone anymore.
and i honestly felt tt way yesterday.

yesterday..
and the days to come.

alrite!

honda civic here i come!

just did bookings for my driving.
i hope things will go smoothly this time round...

yes, i cant wait to lay my hands on my uncle's car!
muahahahaaahahaahaa!

ooppsss..
image image.

ehem.

-smiles sweetly instead-

well i guess its true.
have less expectations and lil surprises will come along your way =D
hehe.

i give up.
im giving up on you.

im giving up on all men.
im giving up on misery.

and happiness too maybe.

let me quote an analogy:

i am window shopping and i happen to come across something i like.
sometimes i may purchase it, sometimes not.
sometimes its bcos of the price, or perhaps due to some imperfection, or maybe i dun like it enuff to wan to posess it.

but doesnt mean i dun like the item.

and everytime i walk by the shop, i see tt same item and go gaga over it.
and then i walk away.

i dun think abt the item at all, until i see it again.

yup, tts how i feel abt u.

and as time goes by, the item will either get sold, or the interest for it will just fizzle out.

so unproductive!
i must really isolate myself from everyone!

hmm...
seems lk YF is the only person i can study with w/o being distracted.

-pulls hair-
im beginning to act like joyce.
haha.
-pulls joyce's hair-

my 3rd day in the sch lib..
yest was quite a waste of time, terribly unproductive.
i did nothing besides editing my bgs report and printing some notes.

maybe i shld start studying b4 my frens come along..
get into the mode first.

its true how frends act as a mirror to ur inner self.
u do learn alot abt urself when u see how ur frens behave ard you.

and it is interesting to know how differently ppl at different times of your life percieve you to be.
well, this is true at least for me.

some of my uni friends see me as unfriendly and unapproachable.
with a dash of attitude here and there.
someone who likes to argue with them over trivial matters, only for the sake of "winning" (YAY i win! hoho..)
to put it in a much nicer way- a lil fighter chick.
otherwise- boliao and unreasonable.

but my sec and jc frens see me in quite a different light.
i told mr b abt this and he said: "well, i think you are the total opposite."

i duno. i think its the way i behave in front of different ppl.
but i kinda like being "innerd".

i have to admit, i am not a people people.
i mix well best in pairs.
u and me, just the 2 of us. how sweet.
eiter that, or when im high/drunk.

the little prince test which i took says:
you are the picture of the boa constrictor eating an elephant.
u have great truths within you if anyone borthers to look.
something like tt.

and i have to say, i cldnt agree more.

shes in like with a soldier.

shes not.
she doesnt even know if she likes him.

she does.
why else wld she bother to look twice at him whenever he walks by?
why wld she whisper his name to her frens when he is in sight?
and why wld she grow self concious when hes in proximity?
why even bother looking at his backview in class?
why get jealous over a posed photograph?

but her heart does not beat wild nor flutters when she sees him...

in sch now, taking a break from my studies.

ho hum.
dum dee dee doo.

finally managed to contact alton and he's fine.

yah im fine. im taking precautions. thanks :>

he doesnt have to go to sch either- his uni is closed till monday.

how come only poly and uni students are protesting abt the non-closeur of schs?
i dun see ITE ppl complaining.
ok wadever, just a tot k.

tata.

im bored im bored im bored im bored im bored.
im terribly bored.

ive been rotting away in this house for 3 days and counting (todays the 4th)

everyone's bz with proj and more proj!
-exasperated-
seems like im the only one already let off the hook.

and nobodeeeee's homeeeeee~
-pouts-

i wldnt have mind so much if i had a nice affectionate cat keeping me company or some furry rabbits or hamsters.

my toy cat doesnt count.

everyday, im wasting my life away online.
reading garfield comics, reading blogs, updating blog (like...now), checking mails..
like i told james and adrienne, if i were to sit here any longer, id turn into a vegetable.
and to which adrienne replied : im surprised u hadnt

ha ha adrienne. ha ha.

so i said something in rebuttal and she did tt spanish thing on me, again.

im wastng away from isolation.

what??? u have sars???

no im just bored staying at home.
alone.
for 3 days.
and yes, counting.

i need some human contact.

bring me to ur leader u earthling!
muahahahahahaaa!

deliver me frm my solace someone.

i wasted my thurs, fri and most prob my sat and sun too~

rotted my time away online when i shld be studying.
well, dun get me wrong, i want to study but i cant do it at home.
unfortunately.

ok maybe i havent been trying hard enuff.
there are instances where i have studied at home...
before and after i found out my nasty habit of studying outside.
mainly before, lah.
-sheepish-

anyway, i really feel like going out recently
haven been outside for quite some time..
ah no sch doesnt count :(

and now sars is all over the place,
my mom wld rather i stay at home 24/7.
esp since i have no more sch until my exams on 14th apr..

and im worried abt alton, he's in hk.
i havent been seeing him online these few days and i hope he's ok :|

but i have to go back sch...to study..
even planned a stayover (in sch) with some frens.
hehe yupPp ive said this once and i shall say this again- quite looking 4ward to it! :D

but then again, i plan to study frm 9am-9pm (in blocks of 3hrs) and den sleep.
hmmmmm...
i think most ppl wld wanna mug thru the night rite, tt explains the stayover in sch.
so im defeating the whole purpose by staying over?
might as well come home and sleep on my beddy rite.

wo bu zhi dao.

i shall see when time comes.

oh and everyone, pls take care of urself.
drink more water, sleep more, try not to touch ur eyes, nose and mouth with ur fingers.
use wet tissues to wipe ur hands...use those with alcohol content.

must protect ourselves frm sars.
-nods-

i feel lost..

cos all of a sudden...

all my lessons are CANCELLED!

SO I HAVE NO MORE SCH TO ATTEND!
AND ALL THE TIME I HAVE IN MY HANDS!

-giggles with joy-

i planned to stay over sch to study during the one week break.
kinda looking 4ward to it :)
im gonna bring my cushions!
i wish i cld bring my bolster there tho.
hmm...
-contemplates-

anyway today is a nice and cheery day.
definitely not feeling upset anymore.
spoke to mr b on sunday and was quite comforted by him.

i guess it all boils down to expectations?
having less of it makes everyone a happier person.
i shall try to do just tt.

i duno wads wrong with me.
i think its pms.

was really really down yest.
and the feeling was amplified a kazillion times by pms.

argh.
sigh.

and even till today,
the sadness remains.

i still feel like crying.

someone pls take me to the lab for analysis.
cut my brain up.
gimme a jab.
take away all shreds of emotions i have or have left.
leave me cold and heartless.
pls.

pls pls pls pls pls.

why is everything screwing up on me today?!
my hp screwed up on me today just when i needed it the most!
argh all the pent up frustrations!
i can tell no one!
ok lucky for you cos u might be the one i had wanted to call...
everyone is ignoring me today

how come nobody ever take note of me?
nobody listens when i speak.
how come no one ever realised when i am pissed, sad or fed up?
how come everyone is so blind to my emotions?

why?

stupid idiot
im a wreck next to u and u dun even know it
all u care for is ur games.

i want to go home :(

there is this tad of sadness living inside of me that nv really goes away.

and it has been triggered off tonite.

and so many times b4.

my results frm ColorQuiz.

Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels she is receiving less than her share, but that she will have to conform and make the best of her situation.
Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.

Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.

Your Actual Problem
Feels insufficiently valued in her existing situation, and is seeking different conditions in which she will have greater opportunity of demonstrating her worth.

i officially name tues my bad mood day.
it is a day i morph into an anti-social and moody creature.
not by choice but becos blah blah blah blah blah blah.
u know.

i think like being anti-social.

Dolphin Lagoon, Sentosa

The Indo-Pacific Humpback Dolphins - most of them originallly caught from the wild - are still having to entertain the public as can be seen here. Although brochures advertising the shows make mention of coming to see them in their `natural environment', in their natural environment they would not be forced to perform tricks in order to get food.

One of the feats that they have been trained to do is to heave their bodies up on to the stage, completely out of the water, and even wag their tails once they are up there. Surely this is not something the dolphins do in their natural environment?

Visitors are also allowed to touch the dolphins or have a polaroid picture taken with them while the patient creatures remain still.

The SPCA strongly objects to the dolphins being used in this manner under the title of `delightful and educational activities' . We ask the public not to support such shows which have minimal educational value.
_____________________________

saw this article on the spca website and felt tt they are being overly fanatic abt protecting animals?
this seems to me like quite an emotive arguement.

im sure the sentosa brochures meant "natural environment" as in the ENVIRONMENT ONLY.
the dolphines are in their natural environment arent they?
they are not being ill treated while tricks are being taught to them. (i hope)

and the dolphins are not forced to perform tricks to get food as written in the passage above.
it's not as if they are fed only when they perform tricks.
the food are given to them as rewards.
and im sure they have proper meals thruout the day.
tts so much better than dolphins dying out there when they canot find food rite? or got caught in nets.
the dolphins at sentosa are so much luckier.

i suggest spcc write and complain abt the zoos too then.
cos sealions arent supp to play with a ball and clap their flippers.
dont visitors get to pat ah meng and take polariod pictures with it while ah meng remains still?
oh and the mandai zoo is ever so proud of recreating a "natural environment" for the animals there arent they?

hey dolphine lagoon, maybe u guys shld extend ur briefing abt dolphins to say 1 hr?
den it wld be more educational.

yaya im being emotive here too.

alrite, its official.
i get to be facilitator for my sch's upcoming obs!

the bonus: the guy im beoing IS going too. cheers.
the down: the girl i dislike IS going too. groans.

so this is it~
either i get to know him now or never.

so wad now?

if we are fated to be frens (or more), den we will be going obs on the same day.
[3 sessions of obs- 2 in july and 1 in aug]

i duno if i shld pray tt we attend obs on the same day or not.
cos usually, the more u wan something to happen, the more it doesnt.
and the more u dun want something to happen, it happens!
murphy's law at work.
gosh i do not wan to go obs on the same day as TAT girl~!

but someone once told me this: but sometimes if u wan something badly enuff, it will happen...
oh really...
it has nv happened to me.

anyway i have a feeling tt we might not be going on the same day.
err 'we' meaning me and the guy.
we had 2 same lessons but nv got to know each other.
so y shld obs be any different?

happiness so fleeting
i wrap my fingers gently around it
amazed at the power it possesses
to lift me up and bring me down

i played it round my fingers
and watch the colours turn
frm red to orange to yellow
to green to blue to green

i cldnt bear to hold it
within the jails of my grasp
for the more u try to keep it
the more the fear i may lose it

i watch it disappear in the distance
wondering if i shld cry or rejoice
as some happiness found other happiness
and some were left to die

stuffs i gathered frm the visit to a bridal shop:

1) all the brides are thin. and i mean thin.
2) u have to be reallie patient to be a SA in the bridal shop
3) i look old

"nice guys finish last."
"i wonder if nice girls finish last too..."
"nice girls dun even start."

argh but oh so true.
at least for me.

i wanted to say something but i am at a loss for words.

wad can i say to make things all rite again?
wad can i say to ease her sadness?
wad can i say to bring back the sunshine?
wad can i say to turn back time?

if i cld, i wld gladly take half of ur pain.
if i cld, i wld gladly take half of ur pain.
if i cld, i wld gladly take half of ur pain.

i figured, i cld smile and laff ard her and keep her happy.
even if it means being labelled insensitive in other people's eyes.

to:
the one i sat with on the stairs

blame not my lady
for destiny is not us to be
the threads of life are cut
with her sissors cold and sharp.

sorrow not my lady
for the world is a spinning
and the nights and days awaking

the wings of the bird may be broken
but the soul of her love remains

and trust tat souls torn apart may unite once again.

i just got a reality slam.

ever realised how much it sucked to hear the truth frm ur frens?
some issues which u do not wish/ want to face up to and there they go saying it out loud into ur face.

and i feel kinda lousy right now.

lousy, down, a little hurt maybe.
silly, perhaps.

silly tt i shld sound so naive and happy.
hurt tt someone threw a wet blanket over me.
down tt someone had to spell out reality so clearly before me.
and lousy cos of all the above.

everyone's making me sick tonite.

dunno leh...seems to me u lost potential happiness...

i dun wanna even think about it.

some things lost can never be salvaged.

so y do i feel sick at the mere mention of it?

ive acquired a taste for black tops recently.

i cant rem when was the last time i wore one.
but i dun think i wld wear another colour again.

it was until i finally donned on a black top again did i realise how much i am in love with that colour.

i used to wear black to hide flab.
not tt i am any slimmer now (in fact i gained an astronomical amt of weight)
but black takes on a whole new meaning now.

it gives me inner peace...

lame but true.

a gripping fear seized me as i stood there waiting for the train.
i held on tightly to the metal rail but my fear did not subside.
my heart went cold.

a presence.
hovering ard me; a strange little force threatening to push me off the platform.
i edged away frm the yellow line and plastered myself against the cool blue walls.

i felt safer already.

the train whooshed by.

must be my suicidal tendency.

i dance, close to you,
in the sweet surrender of music,
playing softly, in the night.

the stars, so bright.
you told me abt the stars and
you held, my hands so gently,
your warmth, seeping thru my palms,
i can feel.

we danced, across the lawn,
in my silken dress, in ur linen shirt.
an unlikely rendevous,
in this blooming garden of love.

the time, slips by,
i slip, into uncertainty, are you
going to leave me now,
the sands, of time,
are few.

as i contemplate
to leave you first,
i cry,
for the night, is all but
young to die.

and like the previous times before,
you smile,
a bow,
and took off, with
the night struck still,
with me standing,
wondering,
has this been a dream at all.

i am in a state of denial.

i think i am in a state of denial.

actually its not so much of tt.
its the lack of courage to face up to reality.

wad is the reality then?
the truth, the fact, the music tt im supposed to face.

i cant bring myself to seek out the answer.
cos i am afraid of wad i may discover.

like an ostrich, i bury my head in the sands.
if i cant see my enemies, they cant see me either.
if i dun face up to the truth, the truth cant get me.

hooray~

yea i know wad u guys must be thinking now: she is in denial.

arghhhhhh my mommie's gonna throw my bolsters awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay~
-whines-

but i get to keep my favourite one
teehee~
*HUGSSSS*

i dont believe it.
i still cant get over the loss of my xiaomen.

after he got lost, i took off the toiletbowl frm my hp.
i cant look at it w/o being reminded of xm.

and i feel sad too whenever i hold on to my now accessoryless hp.

so i decided to put the toiletbowl back.

and yes i felt sad again whilst fumbling with the thin black strap.

it cld have been two...

maybe i shldnt have named the cat xiaomen.
den perhaps i wldnt have lost it.

cld this be a sign?
i cldnt have the real mcoy (how to spell?) and i lost something dear which was named after him.

its ok.
im a big girl now.

i have less expectations of ppl.
i shant make myself unhappy again.

silly silly mil.
u must nv habour too much hope, do u understand?

im a virgo.
im a lefty.

im rational, practical and a perfectionist.
i pride myself for all that i am.
esp for being rational.

i dun understand how some ppl can be so emotional and reckless.
neither can they fathom the seemingly cold and detached me.

i know i can get a little too serious at times, esp when work is concern.
and i think i may just be getting on my proj mates' nerves.
my straight face is a stark contrast to their laughing ones.
id rather be serious and get things done instead of chatting and digressing.
there is a time for work and a time for play u know.
a little joke here and there wld be fine but not at the expense of our proj.

i am a serious, no nonsense person when it comes to work.

so sue me.

my bedroom, is in such a horrible horrible state, it will make any house proud person die of shame.

first and foremost, my bed has not been made in years.
my stuffed toys have long gotten used to this careless strewning of blanket and queer arrangement of the bolsters.
i shant bother tidying up my bed, my toys cant handle the stress of a new environment.

clothes sometimes share my bed on an hourly basis.
they occupy it frm the time i wake up till i sleep at night.
files, books are notes are welcome too (same timeslot as clothes).
so are bags and scrungees.

as much as i wld love to give everyone space on my nice bouncy bed, sometimes it gets abit crowded too.
though not as comfy, the floor is a great alternative. (i have 3 cushions living permanantly on the cold, tiled floor. some notes, some bags, some plastic bags).
or chairs (cardigan the PR).

funny i shld associate books, files and notes with the bed.
well, u shld have seen the table........
though some may ask: what table.

half the table filled with my barang barang eg radio, document tray, a small set of drawers, phone, clock, ornaments, my hp chair...
one third of the remaining half...cup, coaster, water bottle, food wrappers, used tissue, scrap paper, postcards, flyers, wallet, cds, earphone...
the remaining two thirds?
taken up by my laptop and the iogear mouse.

oh wow.
im neat.

and ive yet to touch on the other parts of my room.

im a simple, complicated woman.
i am quiet but i just cant shut up.
i am always never the same.
i am me me me me me.
i am me.

-sleeps-

tender is the night
lying by your side.

tender is the touch
of someone that you love too much.

strange relationship we have here.

how can we be so close and yet appear so distant?

i miss the times we had, the jokes we cracked (at my expense mostly) and of cos, the woes we shared.
tt was wad brought us closer together wasnt it.

yea i remembered once when i was so pissed off by u, u tackless creep!
and i started to wonder if i meant anything to u at all...

we have established our relationship havent we?
tt was sweet.

and u caught me by surprise.
by remembering the things i did for u.
u said it was a pleasent surprise back den...
well i have to say i am touched.
u are quite sentimental arent u.

a pity we cant stay long in each other's life...
good luck to you my pencil.

its been fun knowing you.

i think ppl wld stop throwing dirty looks at one another once they realise how ugly they look when contorting their faces.

im tired of being a nice person.
why cant i fly into a temper every now and then?

i wan to be unreasonable.
i wan to be petty.
i wan to be critical.
i wan to be sarcastic.
i wan to be irresponsible.

i wanna be a bitch.

and i shant give a damn wad u think of me.

been crying alot these few days.

i always get so emotional when watching tv.

for no rhyme or reason, i was reminded of an incident tt happened 2 yrs ago.

i forgot why we were standing together.
waiting for the water games to start perhaps.

we were gathered in a circle and girl was bad mouthing about boy.
and lo behold, boy suddenly appeared in our midst and girl was still blabbering non stop about him.

she spoke long enough for boy to know tt she was toking about him.

and the look on boy's face.
i doubt i will forget.

it was a queer mixture of hurt and bewilderment.

i guess he was angry too.
but not as much as the disappointment he must have felt.
especially at a certain someone who shall remain nameless.
not girl. someone else.

and the silence was deafening when girl suddenly spotted boy among us.

i feel guilty tt i shld be caught standing there, listening to girl's gossips.

you're just like the rest of them u know.
don't say u're not.
u know pretty well tt u were enjoying urself along with the rest of them.

i cant remembered wad happened after tt.
some hero/ heroine must have pulled us out of the sticky situation.

of cos.
wad else?

i lost my xiaomen.
i lost the cat on my hp.
now im left with only a toilet bowl.

great.
the week before, i was being bombed by my bgs prof.
today, i was asked by him to go up to the front and engage the class in discussion regarding the mcdonalds and the stupid coffee spill issue- how can mcdonalds give customers wad they want and yet protect their (customers') interest?

"anyway i think tt this issue is similar to the nike one. as in, u canot please everyone. if u dun try to improve the workers' working condition, u will infuriate other groups of people (the activist)....."

-silence-

-grabs my hair-

"OK SORRY THAT'S THE WRONG EXAMPLE!"
(cos i suddenly realised i have no idea wad i was saying...bleah)

needless to say, the whole class broke into laughter.

"ok so any comments?"
(my best line out of tt situation)

-class laffs again-

ok great.
i went up there for ppl to laff at and then exit frm the pic.
but oh dun get me wrong, i was having a fun time up there today :)
laffing at my own foolish.

but hey at least i managed to generate some discussions from the floor :p

we talked about fallacies in AS class today.
so many different types of fallacies!

one amusing (at least to me) fallacy example:

fallacy of relevance- argument against the person

A: It’s bad social behaviour to rush in the MRT door because if everyone does it then there is chaos.
B: Nonsense. You do it all the time. (You too)

hahaha.

not funny?

oh well.

anyway B has commited argument against the person.
just because A does tt all the time, doesnt mean tt the action is not a bad social behaviour. =)

and the corniest part today has to be this:

my prof was trying to show us wad was meant by the "fallacy of missing the point".
he den read the examples off the slides.
after reading, he realised tt he read the wrong part.

so much for "missing the point" :D

9:30pm

walked down the slope all alone.
i saw stars...above the accountancy blk.
i saw whispy clouds...big, white and stagnant in the dark bluish sky.
its been a long time since i last enjoyed a nice quiet stroll all by myself.

a usual 5min walk took a way longer time tonight.