a gripping fear seized me as i stood there waiting for the train.
i held on tightly to the metal rail but my fear did not subside.
my heart went cold.

a presence.
hovering ard me; a strange little force threatening to push me off the platform.
i edged away frm the yellow line and plastered myself against the cool blue walls.

i felt safer already.

the train whooshed by.

must be my suicidal tendency.

i dance, close to you,
in the sweet surrender of music,
playing softly, in the night.

the stars, so bright.
you told me abt the stars and
you held, my hands so gently,
your warmth, seeping thru my palms,
i can feel.

we danced, across the lawn,
in my silken dress, in ur linen shirt.
an unlikely rendevous,
in this blooming garden of love.

the time, slips by,
i slip, into uncertainty, are you
going to leave me now,
the sands, of time,
are few.

as i contemplate
to leave you first,
i cry,
for the night, is all but
young to die.

and like the previous times before,
you smile,
a bow,
and took off, with
the night struck still,
with me standing,
wondering,
has this been a dream at all.

i am in a state of denial.

i think i am in a state of denial.

actually its not so much of tt.
its the lack of courage to face up to reality.

wad is the reality then?
the truth, the fact, the music tt im supposed to face.

i cant bring myself to seek out the answer.
cos i am afraid of wad i may discover.

like an ostrich, i bury my head in the sands.
if i cant see my enemies, they cant see me either.
if i dun face up to the truth, the truth cant get me.

hooray~

yea i know wad u guys must be thinking now: she is in denial.

arghhhhhh my mommie's gonna throw my bolsters awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay~
-whines-

but i get to keep my favourite one
teehee~
*HUGSSSS*

i dont believe it.
i still cant get over the loss of my xiaomen.

after he got lost, i took off the toiletbowl frm my hp.
i cant look at it w/o being reminded of xm.

and i feel sad too whenever i hold on to my now accessoryless hp.

so i decided to put the toiletbowl back.

and yes i felt sad again whilst fumbling with the thin black strap.

it cld have been two...

maybe i shldnt have named the cat xiaomen.
den perhaps i wldnt have lost it.

cld this be a sign?
i cldnt have the real mcoy (how to spell?) and i lost something dear which was named after him.

its ok.
im a big girl now.

i have less expectations of ppl.
i shant make myself unhappy again.

silly silly mil.
u must nv habour too much hope, do u understand?

im a virgo.
im a lefty.

im rational, practical and a perfectionist.
i pride myself for all that i am.
esp for being rational.

i dun understand how some ppl can be so emotional and reckless.
neither can they fathom the seemingly cold and detached me.

i know i can get a little too serious at times, esp when work is concern.
and i think i may just be getting on my proj mates' nerves.
my straight face is a stark contrast to their laughing ones.
id rather be serious and get things done instead of chatting and digressing.
there is a time for work and a time for play u know.
a little joke here and there wld be fine but not at the expense of our proj.

i am a serious, no nonsense person when it comes to work.

so sue me.

my bedroom, is in such a horrible horrible state, it will make any house proud person die of shame.

first and foremost, my bed has not been made in years.
my stuffed toys have long gotten used to this careless strewning of blanket and queer arrangement of the bolsters.
i shant bother tidying up my bed, my toys cant handle the stress of a new environment.

clothes sometimes share my bed on an hourly basis.
they occupy it frm the time i wake up till i sleep at night.
files, books are notes are welcome too (same timeslot as clothes).
so are bags and scrungees.

as much as i wld love to give everyone space on my nice bouncy bed, sometimes it gets abit crowded too.
though not as comfy, the floor is a great alternative. (i have 3 cushions living permanantly on the cold, tiled floor. some notes, some bags, some plastic bags).
or chairs (cardigan the PR).

funny i shld associate books, files and notes with the bed.
well, u shld have seen the table........
though some may ask: what table.

half the table filled with my barang barang eg radio, document tray, a small set of drawers, phone, clock, ornaments, my hp chair...
one third of the remaining half...cup, coaster, water bottle, food wrappers, used tissue, scrap paper, postcards, flyers, wallet, cds, earphone...
the remaining two thirds?
taken up by my laptop and the iogear mouse.

oh wow.
im neat.

and ive yet to touch on the other parts of my room.

im a simple, complicated woman.
i am quiet but i just cant shut up.
i am always never the same.
i am me me me me me.
i am me.

-sleeps-

tender is the night
lying by your side.

tender is the touch
of someone that you love too much.

strange relationship we have here.

how can we be so close and yet appear so distant?

i miss the times we had, the jokes we cracked (at my expense mostly) and of cos, the woes we shared.
tt was wad brought us closer together wasnt it.

yea i remembered once when i was so pissed off by u, u tackless creep!
and i started to wonder if i meant anything to u at all...

we have established our relationship havent we?
tt was sweet.

and u caught me by surprise.
by remembering the things i did for u.
u said it was a pleasent surprise back den...
well i have to say i am touched.
u are quite sentimental arent u.

a pity we cant stay long in each other's life...
good luck to you my pencil.

its been fun knowing you.

i think ppl wld stop throwing dirty looks at one another once they realise how ugly they look when contorting their faces.

im tired of being a nice person.
why cant i fly into a temper every now and then?

i wan to be unreasonable.
i wan to be petty.
i wan to be critical.
i wan to be sarcastic.
i wan to be irresponsible.

i wanna be a bitch.

and i shant give a damn wad u think of me.

been crying alot these few days.

i always get so emotional when watching tv.

for no rhyme or reason, i was reminded of an incident tt happened 2 yrs ago.

i forgot why we were standing together.
waiting for the water games to start perhaps.

we were gathered in a circle and girl was bad mouthing about boy.
and lo behold, boy suddenly appeared in our midst and girl was still blabbering non stop about him.

she spoke long enough for boy to know tt she was toking about him.

and the look on boy's face.
i doubt i will forget.

it was a queer mixture of hurt and bewilderment.

i guess he was angry too.
but not as much as the disappointment he must have felt.
especially at a certain someone who shall remain nameless.
not girl. someone else.

and the silence was deafening when girl suddenly spotted boy among us.

i feel guilty tt i shld be caught standing there, listening to girl's gossips.

you're just like the rest of them u know.
don't say u're not.
u know pretty well tt u were enjoying urself along with the rest of them.

i cant remembered wad happened after tt.
some hero/ heroine must have pulled us out of the sticky situation.

of cos.
wad else?

i lost my xiaomen.
i lost the cat on my hp.
now im left with only a toilet bowl.

great.
the week before, i was being bombed by my bgs prof.
today, i was asked by him to go up to the front and engage the class in discussion regarding the mcdonalds and the stupid coffee spill issue- how can mcdonalds give customers wad they want and yet protect their (customers') interest?

"anyway i think tt this issue is similar to the nike one. as in, u canot please everyone. if u dun try to improve the workers' working condition, u will infuriate other groups of people (the activist)....."

-silence-

-grabs my hair-

"OK SORRY THAT'S THE WRONG EXAMPLE!"
(cos i suddenly realised i have no idea wad i was saying...bleah)

needless to say, the whole class broke into laughter.

"ok so any comments?"
(my best line out of tt situation)

-class laffs again-

ok great.
i went up there for ppl to laff at and then exit frm the pic.
but oh dun get me wrong, i was having a fun time up there today :)
laffing at my own foolish.

but hey at least i managed to generate some discussions from the floor :p

we talked about fallacies in AS class today.
so many different types of fallacies!

one amusing (at least to me) fallacy example:

fallacy of relevance- argument against the person

A: It’s bad social behaviour to rush in the MRT door because if everyone does it then there is chaos.
B: Nonsense. You do it all the time. (You too)

hahaha.

not funny?

oh well.

anyway B has commited argument against the person.
just because A does tt all the time, doesnt mean tt the action is not a bad social behaviour. =)

and the corniest part today has to be this:

my prof was trying to show us wad was meant by the "fallacy of missing the point".
he den read the examples off the slides.
after reading, he realised tt he read the wrong part.

so much for "missing the point" :D

9:30pm

walked down the slope all alone.
i saw stars...above the accountancy blk.
i saw whispy clouds...big, white and stagnant in the dark bluish sky.
its been a long time since i last enjoyed a nice quiet stroll all by myself.

a usual 5min walk took a way longer time tonight.

someone locked me out of the gsr this morning.
YOU SHLD KNOW WHO U R!

anyway after revision, i was all packed up and ready to go but had to wait for my fren to finish her packing.
i stood there and waited for her (bag and all) and my feet felt kinda cold.
it was den i realised i had forgotten to put on my shoes...
yep, i removed my sandals while studying and i grew so comfortable without them, it took me quite awhile to realise tt my feet are lacking in something...
duhz.

was reminising our childhood days earlier this afternoon.
cartoons, toys, the whole bit.
carebears, strawberry shortcake, snorks, rainbow brite, my little pony, polly pocket, hop scotch, zeropoint, 5 stones, the 'string' game, paper dolls and this plastic toy tt is shaped in a swan and comes with a key which we can use to open the swan and put things inside...
i vaguely remembered tt my mom refused to buy tt for me.

and the playgrounds.
silly playgrounds they have now.
where are all the sand and stone slides? swings with thick metal chains tt creak? wooden see-saw with shakey yellow handles? the metal merry-go-round?
the town council shld bring them back.
down with plastic playgrounds.

and guess wad i miss abt my jc days?
my commerce fac, my 1982 batch of frens and most of all:
staying back in sch to watch the bball and rugy matches.

i'd give anything to relive those days again.

looks like ive picked the wrong day to recuperate at home.
heard tt my bgs lect was pissed cos 10 peeps din turn up today and plenty more last week cos of the cny eve.

-grumbles-
it always happens to me.
good mildred who doesnt pon ten lessons always incurs some lect's warth just becos the rest of the world decides to skip on the same day too.

like the trees in the wind:
suay.

im sending in the application for obs facilitator soon.
but b4 tt, i shall have to address 2 qns:

1) what do u think the role of a facilitator shld be?
2) how has obs benefited you?

tho the deadline is in march but somehow i have this strange idea tt by sending in earlier, it will up my chances of getting selected.
and i heard tt W is applying too.
tts extremely weird.
he has nv struck me as the outdoor type.
and i bet he doesnt even play sports.

so does this mean tt ash is gonna buddy grp with him?
huh den i'll be alone.
maybe i shld psycho S to apply and i buddy grp with him.
sigh but he already expressed his disgust when ash told him tt we're applying.

see how lah.
being alone isnt a bad thing anyway.
i can make new frens.

the night tripper is sick at long last.
not tt i enjoy being sick.
but i can finally fall sick with no worries...
maybe i shld skip bgs on fri...
-contemplates with the idea-

this is so embarrassing...
i stared at him unknowingly in class during presentation today.
actually i did not make any eye contact with the audience...
i only tok to the prof, the air, the cue cards in my hands and the computer screen.
bad presentation skills but wad the heck, its a FA project, not some comm class presentation!

everything went well (read: i refrained frm looking/ glancing/ peeping/ wadever at him).
but when the time came for me to pass over to another grp mate, disaster struck.
"ok so i shall now pass on to yeeling and she will touch on the disadvantages of.........."

SH*T!
it was den i realised i was looking at him!
gosh when did tat happpen?!
and the worse (best??) thing was, he actually looked back at me...
he must be wondering...why the hell is she like toking to me?
it was den i snapped back to reality.
oh man this canot be happening~!

i shifted my gaze and with wadever composure i had left, continued with my sentence.
".....of quarterly reporting...."
-stiff smile-
-exit-

oh no oh no oh no