AM STRESSED

cant blame me for my lousy driving skills
attended 9 lessons and ive only been taught stuffs twice.

TWICE.

so how now? almost 1/2 of all the lessons gone?
change to fixed instructor lah.

wad if i decide to hide myself frm the world?

- switch off my hp
- not come online
- disconnect my phone line
- stop going out with frens

wads going to happen?
will anyone find anything amiss?
will anyone wonder abt my existence?
will anyone come looking for me?
will anyone miss me?

__________________________

close the doors, shut the world away...
across the floor, dreams and shadows play,
like wind blown refugees.

i laugh, at this thing called love
i cry, for being a weakling inside
i smile, at the blessings ard me
i whine, for things not meant to be
i sulk, when things dun go my way
i hide, when i feel sad

i hide alot.
and i love to hide.

i am in an insanely jealous mood now.

i wish i cld take my heart out and leave it somewhere, so tt i will not feel for anything or anyone.
yes.
i think id like tt alot.

put it in the fridge.
so that if i ever have to wear my heart, it wld be cold...and possibly hard.
yes.
i think id like tt alot.

to you:

dear you,
i had wanted to start by writing this: "dear you, i cant believe how alike we are!......"
and marvel at how alike 2 persons of the different genders can be.
but i was stuck at the very next line when i tried to list out our similarities.
i cant pin point the exact characteristics.
maybe we are not tt alike afterall...
or maybe our differences have totally outweighed our similarities.

dear you,
the more i get to know u, the more i shudder at this realisation:
you are the male version of me.
i have nv come across anyone who behaves just like, well, me.
esp the way we approach stuff.

but its not like we have no differences, as men and women go.
u r terribly insensitive and i am over sensitive.
u mix well in grps while i clam up in crowds.
i yabber non stop one-to-one while u tend to keep quiet in pairs.
u are utterly tactless and tend to piss ppl off while i think too much abt other ppl's feelings.
how typical.
and how extreme.

so dear you,
the important question is:
have u ever felt the same way as i do?
ever notice how alike we are?

dear you,
i nv dared to ask u this for fear of complications. misunderstanding.
anyway, i duno wad i wan to prove by asking u this.

wad ans do i expect in reply?

how many ans can there be?
"yes, no, duno, maybe"

knowing u as i do, the ans wld be a "no".
(becos u r so insensitive remember? how on earth wld u notice such itty bitty things? but den i have to say, sometimes i am truely amazed at the things u remember...and yes, now for the other side of the coin, how appalled i am at the things u do not remember.)

*^*^*^*^*

birds of a feather flock together?
however, for a thousand and one reasons, we dont.
this is where our differing views in f/ship comes in...
which i shall not elaborate...like anyone cares.
opposites attract?
might as well kill me here and now yah.

wad to do on a lazy sunday?

paint my nails
pack my room
eat chocolate cake
eat fried chicken wing
go neighbour's hse
cousin-to-cousin talk at void deck

hey this new scroll mouse sucks.

i cut some fringe.

i cant say ive regretted doing so since there is so little fringe; i can always revert back to my original hairstyle.

am supposed to part my fringe on one side, but the fringe wont stay and i look silly.
was wondering how i wld look with more fringe...hmm...den i'll comb them straight down.

nvm.
shall worry abt my fringe when i go out =)

the older i get, the shallower i feel ive become.

i really envy those ppl who write well and i wish i cld write like them..
u know..incorporate some cheem words here and there...
i need to expand my vocabulary- terribly.

and i realised i have no opinion.
my opinions are general, simplistic and shallow.
i wish i cld say something more thought provoking.

as freaklite wld say: disgusting
and tts exactly how i feel abt myself at this very moment of my life.

i need to read more.

and i shall aspire to read all books frm the reading list given by my AS prof.
wish me luck.

today's driving lesson was demoralising but lets not tok abt it :x

anyway i went to library@orchard and borrowed some books.
borrowed only 3 books cos i cld not find the 4th book(s) i was looking for..

arghhh i cant believe it!
first i tried looking for les miserables...only found the screenplay version..nono am not gonna read tt.
so next i tried balzac and the lil chinese seamstress...on transit wadever tt means
den sophie's world...den anna karanin...den through the looking glass...den the pianist...den secret garden...den crime and punishment...den paradise lost...

#@$%*@$

ALL NOT AVAILABLE FOR WADSOEVER REASONS!!

oh well.
in the end i just gave up and borrowed 3 books..
nothing wrong with 3 books but just wanna exercise my right of borrowing 4 books hehehe =p

ok so these are the books i borrowed:
1) Notes from An Even Smaller Island- hilarious, was reading on the bus and laffed out loud
2) Watership Down- finally got my hands on this book, recommanded by a sec sch teacher...been wanting to read it since err sec sch =)
3) A Clockwork Orange- 1st attempt to read such books...i hope i can survive

anyway i bot a really really nice pair of sneakers today!
been beo-ing it since god knows when but nv really got down to buying it cos i dun really wear sneakers...am a slipper/ sandals girl...
jeljel, the bronze sneakers at Ba Pin, level one far east plaza...
hoho
they have it in my size!!
and horray! on sale!!

wahahahaaa~
its fate i tell u all..
i bot it cos i needed shoes for my driving..finally a reason for possessing them...
but i have to collect it 2 days later cos they dun have it in the shop...have to wait for the shoes to be delivered frm their warehouse.

tra laa laa
tra laa laa

i cant wait! =D

to sum it all up, all i need is a new sling bag...
jeljel, the one we saw at army mkt a long time ago..
the denim one with a pic of a funky girl
regretted not buying back den...

btw i saw donita ross and utt outside wisma shooting for some prog. =)

just came back frm my 1st driving lesson after stopping for abt 1/2 year.

this instructor is good, this erm mr. johnny...
he told me alot of stuff which my previous instructors did not.
like y i have a tendency to deviate towards my right.
he oso pointed out that i have a bad habit of turning my steering wheel slightly to my right b4 making a left turn.
err dun ask me y i did tt, its a subconscious thing =p

i think i drove better today =D
initially i wasnt sure if i was cut out for driving at all.
but after today, i definitely have more control over the car.
and it feels great to be in control haha.

tra laa laa

so it was just a dream.

a bloody waste of dae.

was down with a slight fever 37.2 deg c

i cldnt go ktv with my class after my last paper 2day.
cldnt go wine bar with them either.

bloody waste of daeeeeeeeeeeeee!
urrrghhhhhhhhhh!

current temp: 36.6 deg c
which makes me feel lk joining them now.

but i cantttttt cos my mommieeeeee doesnt allow
she says i have yet to fully recover, i have to rest.

-whines, kicks and shouts-

bloody waste of dae.

hi red tide, care for a short intro?

anyway red tide, grades are impt to me as long as i am still schooling.
i dun wan to fail u see and repeat the module.
waste of time and can be demoralising.

doing well for me doesnt mean getting an A or not.
its abt passing and failing.
its abt not getting an F.

ho hum =)

i felt moody all of a sudden.
maybe cos my fren was toking abt the exams.

how's ur weekend?

i had exams the whole week and last paper is on mon.

oh no wonder.
how the papers so far?

not good.

did ur other frens feel the same way too?

duno?
maybe?

well good luck for your remaining papers anyway.
if i cld help i wld!

no its ok.
thanks for ur luck.

goodnite frens.

i think there is something wrong with my browser.
cos all of a sudden, which ever website i go, as long as the font ariel is used, the words are damn big.

huff puff

i went jogging today. finally.

maybe i shld keep track of my jian fei plan and driving progress online...
ho hum..

and rename the blog The Weight Loss and Driving Diaries.
cool~

kekeke.

i have jogged for: 1 day
and attended driving lesson num: 3

okay maybe i shld put it at the top of the entry.
oh and i did a "wad drink are u quiz" and im bubble tea!
heh heh heh

dear me im such a quiz junkie.

question:

ever realised i nv/ seldom tok abt details in my blog?

most of the time, ppl nv know wad the hell im writing abt (with exceptions of cos).
u can read thru the entries knowing tt i am troubled, happy or pissed off etc and yet nv knowing wad exactly had happened.

is tt irritating or wad.
nono its not a rhetorical qn.
i really wanna know.
i can rattle on abt mudane stuff and tok abt all the nitty gritty details but when it comes to really writing down my feelings, i do have some reservations abt tt.

issit pointless reading my blog?
i write with neither flare nor err wadever (see wad i mean)
i dun tok abt politics or issues ard us; nothing tot provoking.

i guess its just me.
tts my style of blogging.

i think i may have sars?

im eating chocolates now but how come i dun feel happy at all?

nono not at all.

-stuffs more chocs into mouth-

yuks

it has a bad after taste.

oh whoa 3rd entry for tonite and tis the 2nd entry within the last 30min..

cos i have difficulty in falling asleep.

always.

i tend to think alot when i hit the sheets.

i cant help it.

i wish i cld take my brain out and leave it in a jar of solution every night.

i wish i ...

- cld eat as much as i like and not grow fat
- cld do better in sports and studies
- cld live a more fulfilling life
- cld find the courage to fall in like again
- cld be less protective of myself
- cld love others more than i love myself
- cld believe in finding true love once again

sometimes i feel tt u r still not ok.
maybe we shld avoid going taka until..until..i duno.
i hope im not..i duno..maybe i think too much..

im going thru some form of identity crisis nowadays.

every new day brings forth a new discovery abt myself.
is there no end to this?
this horrifying revelation?

i feel my self fading away and its being replaced with someone i dun even know.
where is me?
the me ive know all my 20, 21 yrs of existance?

have i been living in delusion all my life?

i am forever imposing my own expectations onto others.

bad mil.

when will u ever learn?

hmm i just got an email from my obs ic.
tts "in-charge" btw...

i saw his name on the mailing list.
so its official.
the guy i fancy (or used to) is joining my run.

how do i feel?
well, it didnt come much as a surprise; his frens are inside this run too.

im not excited.
not elated.
i dun feel faint.
nor is my heart beating wildly.
neither did it skip a beat.

like i told a fren last nite, i guess im incapable of liking anyone anymore.
and i honestly felt tt way yesterday.

yesterday..
and the days to come.

alrite!

honda civic here i come!

just did bookings for my driving.
i hope things will go smoothly this time round...

yes, i cant wait to lay my hands on my uncle's car!
muahahahaaahahaahaa!

ooppsss..
image image.

ehem.

-smiles sweetly instead-

well i guess its true.
have less expectations and lil surprises will come along your way =D
hehe.

i give up.
im giving up on you.

im giving up on all men.
im giving up on misery.

and happiness too maybe.

let me quote an analogy:

i am window shopping and i happen to come across something i like.
sometimes i may purchase it, sometimes not.
sometimes its bcos of the price, or perhaps due to some imperfection, or maybe i dun like it enuff to wan to posess it.

but doesnt mean i dun like the item.

and everytime i walk by the shop, i see tt same item and go gaga over it.
and then i walk away.

i dun think abt the item at all, until i see it again.

yup, tts how i feel abt u.

and as time goes by, the item will either get sold, or the interest for it will just fizzle out.

so unproductive!
i must really isolate myself from everyone!

hmm...
seems lk YF is the only person i can study with w/o being distracted.

-pulls hair-
im beginning to act like joyce.
haha.
-pulls joyce's hair-

my 3rd day in the sch lib..
yest was quite a waste of time, terribly unproductive.
i did nothing besides editing my bgs report and printing some notes.

maybe i shld start studying b4 my frens come along..
get into the mode first.

its true how frends act as a mirror to ur inner self.
u do learn alot abt urself when u see how ur frens behave ard you.

and it is interesting to know how differently ppl at different times of your life percieve you to be.
well, this is true at least for me.

some of my uni friends see me as unfriendly and unapproachable.
with a dash of attitude here and there.
someone who likes to argue with them over trivial matters, only for the sake of "winning" (YAY i win! hoho..)
to put it in a much nicer way- a lil fighter chick.
otherwise- boliao and unreasonable.

but my sec and jc frens see me in quite a different light.
i told mr b abt this and he said: "well, i think you are the total opposite."

i duno. i think its the way i behave in front of different ppl.
but i kinda like being "innerd".

i have to admit, i am not a people people.
i mix well best in pairs.
u and me, just the 2 of us. how sweet.
eiter that, or when im high/drunk.

the little prince test which i took says:
you are the picture of the boa constrictor eating an elephant.
u have great truths within you if anyone borthers to look.
something like tt.

and i have to say, i cldnt agree more.